Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Popcorn, Satan Cinema's and all things Hydrogenated

!!!!!Warning the following is a highly biased rant, and I don't care!!!!!

When I was but a wee lad of nary a few more winters then seventeen, I worked for a media mega complex of the devil. Not satisfied with an abusive summer job of regular portion evil, I had to super size, so I threw in my lot with Viacom, one of North America's largest forces for the perpetuation of evil. In my part as lowly drudge, I slaved for one particularly sinister subdivision of Viacom, specifically Famous Players. I worked for the dark lord's omni-mega-ultra-demon-plex also known as the Coliseum Mississauga. Now, I would like to clear up any misconception that I might be unbiased in my opinions of this place, but let me state up front 1. I was fired, and 2. I hated them before I got fired, getting fired just helped me hate them more. So let me delve into the evil that is done by this business in a more organized fashion, because if the preceding style is allowed to fall any further below its level of comprehendability, its going to start looking like some crazy guy with a pair of scissors and a news papers cut and pasted it together.

How I knew that the Coliseum was affiliate with the dark lord.

1. Dark Symbols: Specifically the organization and construction of the building placed key components of the building (Box office, managers office, concession, ticket line up, and the washrooms,) at perfect mathematical position to form a pentacle (a known symbol of evil if TV has taught me anything) around the main concession stand.

2. Cacophony of evil praises: At the centre of the theatre stood a gigantic alter to evil, which sprayed forth kernel's, nearly constantly, of evil high into the sky on a regular basis, with each kernel was released and ear splitting cry in praise of dark practices performed in the building.

3. Murder most fowl: Well not murder per say but definitely assisted suicide, under the false pretence of health. To start with MOVIE POPCORN IS BAD FOR YOU! Didn't know that, want to sue them? What are you an ignorant shit, or someone out for cash? Fast food is bad for you, hot coffee burns, if you break into my house and fall down my stairs, tough shit, you're a moron, and Darwin would be proud you are out of the gene pool. That sub-rant aside, would you like topping with that? Or should I say would you like a heart attack with that? Movie popcorn topping hides its true evil under the guise of its associate brand name, Becel. Becel happens to make a particularly health conscious margarine. That is not what they put on your popcorn, what goes on your popcorn is 100% hydrogenated vegetable oil, also known as heart attack in a squirt. You might as well get the butter; it tastes better and probably is better for you (I don't have the science behind that, but I do know that they are both bad for you, who can say what's worse.) So what you say? Well they take your knowledge that Becel makes a good margarine to get you to put topping on your popcorn, to get you to like it more, to get you to buy more, to help you kill yourself!!!! MURDER I say MURDER!

4. Dark Practices: The economics of the movie theatre is pure genius, and evil all at once. First off ticket prices, 13.50 – 14.50 on a Friday night, that's awful, and in spite of popular belief that those go straight to the distributor, that is a load of bull crap, a lot of it does, but a nice hefty margin was tacked on at the beginning of the megaplex era for the theatres to take home, which more then covers the cost of theatre operation and employees. That leaves money from the concession sales to go straight into their pockets, and boy does it ever. 50 lb bag of popcorn = 10$ It makes probably 200 –300 large bags of popcorn for customers, add on a .05 cent per bag price, and maybe .03 worth of the aforementioned murder sauce. You get a per bag cost of about 13 cents. Pay some moron minimum wage to sell it for 4.50 a bag and remember on a Friday night you sell that many bags in less then an hour, and you are making about 4.33 a bag. You get about 30 hours of solid sale in a weekend, your making 26000 in popcorn money alone, and I promise you all those numbers are far below actual numbers, as I know for a fact on an average weekend the theatre would make ¼ to ½ a million, and over a million on blockbuster summer long weekends. That kind of extortion is absurdly evil, what's even worse is that people are willing to kill themselves for that price. You know they (they being the news paper or web site I am likely misquoting) are estimating that by 2020 a night out (dinner and a movie for two) will exceed $200 go go gadget inflation!

5. They fired me, me, darling me, who would want to fire me. Actually this is embarrassing and in fairness I will share. The day I got fired I was working a special shift, you see the fry guys (the guys who worked in the new your fry stand) were lazy lazy lazy people. At the end of the day, they were supposed to take all the left over French fries and uncooked (but cut) potato's out to the trash compactor. Instead they would bag'm and drag'm the minimum distance they could and leave them just outside the door on the way to the compactor. This process created a problem as now all the bags were slightly damaged by the drag. Some times they would life these damage bags into the trash trolleys used to collect garbage around the theatre. In this one exertion of bag liftage, about half the time those bags would break spilling their contents all over the trash trolleys. The guys on garbage duty would never empty the loose potato's into the compactor, so these would build up and rot. On this particular day I was tasked, with two others, to empty the four trolleys that were full, because this had been going on for weeks, and now all the trolleys were unusable. Now you have to understand, I can't stand mold, makes me hurl, so here I am with too co-drudges shovelling rotting potato in the burning sun and then bleaching them out, for like 4-6 hours. When it was all said and done, they gave us a pat on the back, said "you stink go home," and sent us home for the day without paying us for the rest of the shift. Now maybe it was my encouraged ego from the slight complement, maybe it was me trying to show off to friends, maybe it was mold fumes getting to me, or maybe it was because EVERYONE INCLUDING THE MANAGERS DO IT! What ever made me do it, who can tell for sure, I decided that night to go to a movie with my friends and not pays (GASP) so we walked up to the place they rip your tickets, said "hey were sneaking in," there person was like "sure." So we walked into the theatre. Sadly, I got caught in the theatre, and decided to be honest instead of lie and say I lost my ticket. So the sacked me, and the girl who let me sneak in. What really made it worse was that it was 'Night of the Roxbury', I mean really fire me for sneaking into something good, laugh at me for sneaking into something CRAP! What really chaffed my ass was that the girl was rehired for crying and she was so useless that she made useless tits contenders for MVPs on NHL teams even though they don't know how to skate… AND Breath, 2, 4, 5. So, I really didn't do anything that wrong, they just nailed me up as an example. I mean I was guilty, but so were all the other employees and managers, I mean the managers used to pick up girls by giving them free passes with their home numbers on the back
Alright I am going to call a stop to this tirade, it has gone out of control, and I don't want to proof read it. Suffice it to say I don't like famous players, nor do I like movie popcorn, yet I like a good little automaton will continue to go to movies and buy popcorn. Like tomorrow night I am going to see Spider Man 2. So there me!

The Bitter Bitch

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