Wednesday, December 22, 2004

"I'm Listening" and mostly to myself

I've always enjoyed the show Frasier for a long time, I've always had a sort of kinship with the main character, and I don't think I have ever realized why until last night / today. It all started with an episode, that I watched last night, where Frasier finally realizes why he is so unlucky in love. The rational is because subconsciously he compares every woman he has ever dated with the next one, and he pushes away those who would be good with him, or picks ones who he can find flaws in. The reason being that he makes sure it's easy to reject them before he gets rejected, stemming from all the women who have left him in the past, (three wives and his mother.) The root is that he over analyses everything as a defense mechanism.

In a way I think this is my problem with a lot of things, mostly likely my contentment, I am generally not all that content a person, I in fact have an inexplicable power to discontent myself with anything and everything, and I think it is because my mind works at about a mile a minute, and that's on a slow day. It's strange, but when I am disappointed (at anything) I can focus my mind in such a way as to turn all possible causes on myself, and further my melancholy. I can really over emphasize any emotion by just thinking myself into it, but it seems easier with the broody-moody ones. The quandary of it all is that stress is both the cause and the cure. When times are stressful it gets worse, but when times are REALLY REALLY stressful, when there is hardly time to breath, let alone think, I am fine. When my focus is at its strongest on a problem that needs solving I am on my game, but when the pressure eases back, and fatigue sets in, BOOM I'm right back in it. I just wish there was a less stressful ways to filter and focus the old noggin, because it has a nasty habit of spoiling things for me, not the least of which is my mood.

So really what I am saying is the some days, I really piss me off, and I'm not even schizophrenic.

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