Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Vincent Gallo, a male prostitute with the worlds largest ego, and I'm not talking about his penis although he may think I am

Before I begin to use my large ego to attack another large ego, I would like to admit
that this is mostly old news, that I was not timely about learning, but was revealed over a congenial bowl of Pho soup in China Town today with some colleagues.

Vincent Gallo, who is he? IMDB can give you the general details on the fellow right here. Much of his career, controversy,
and idiocy revolves around his movie The
Brown Bunny.
Which was panned by critics, and proclaimed the worst movie ever
made by Roger Ebert. This began a quite comical fight in which Gallo cast a hex against Ebert's prostate and Colon, to which Ebert replied "I am not too worried. I had a colonoscopy once, and they let me watch it on TV. It was more entertaining than The Brown Bunny." Apparently they have since reconciled, but the whole episode is worth a read.

I'm not here to talk about The Brown Bunny, and regrettably, this posting will be counter productive in deflating Vincent's ego, as it is just more publicity and linking, but some times, when you come across something as ridiculous as this, you just have to put it on your stupid backwater blog, as I am about to do.

Now I am about to imply, or have already implied that Vincent Gallo is a prostitute, has a large ego, thinks highly of his penile endowment, is racist, and believes in the Hollywood/Jewish/Minority conspiracy (make Oooooohing noise and twiddle fingers
threateningly.) I believe there is a very likely possibility that these statements could be deemed libellous, but really I'm only going to be quoting Vincent, and I will leave it to you to decide. Also, as the most difficult thing to prove is the "he is a racist" remark, I will prematurely retract that remark, and say, I believe Vincent Gallo has made remarks, which could be construed as intolerance on Vincent's behalf towards certain minority groups... Yes that does sound like legal back peddling, or journalistic squeamishness, but I just don't want to have to deal with the cost of someone getting all litigious on me.

With no further ado, and to protect myself from him changing his site, I am going to directly copy and paste a item from Vincent's personal merchandise web site (very last item.) and for
good measure, here is the google cache as it existed at the time of writing.
Vincent Gallo's Sperm

$1 Million

Price includes all costs related to one attempt at an in-vitro
fertilization. (A $50,000 value) If the first attempt at in vitro
fertilization is unsuccessful, purchaser of sperm must pay all medical
costs related to additional attempts. Mr. Gallo will supply sperm for
as many attempts as it takes to complete a successful fertilization and
successful delivery. Sperm is 100% guaranteed to be donated by Mr.
Gallo who is drug, alcohol and disease free. If the purchaser of the
sperm chooses the option of natural insemination, there is an
additional charge of $500,000. However, if after being presented
detailed photographs of the purchaser, Mr. Gallo may be willing to
waive the natural insemination fee and charge only for the sperm
itself. Those of you who have found this merchandise page are very well
aware of Mr. Gallo's multiple talents, but to add further insight into
the value of Mr. Gallo's sperm, aside from being multi talented in all
creative fields, he was also multi talented as an athlete, winning
several awards for performing in the games of baseball, football and
hockey and making it to the professional level of grand prix motorcycle
racing. Mr. Gallo is 5'11" and has blue eyes. There are no known
genetic deformities in his ancestry (no cripples) and no history of
congenital diseases. If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the
potential size of the genitals if it's a boy. (8 inches if he's like
his father.) I don't know exactly how a well hung father can enhance
the physical makeup of a female baby, but it can't hurt. Mr. Gallo also
presently maintains a distinctively full head of hair and at the age of
43 has surprisingly few gray hairs. Though his features are sharp and
extreme, they would probably blend well with a softer, more subtly
featured female. Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his
sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco
Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not
want to be part of that type of integration. In fact, for the next 30
days, he is offering a $50,000 discount to any potential female
purchaser who can prove she has naturally blonde hair and blue eyes.
Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers
of the mid-century will also receive this discount. Under the laws of
the Jewish faith, a Jewish mother would qualify a baby to be deemed a
member of the Jewish religion. This would be added incentive for Mr.
Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his reasoning being with the
slim chance that his child moved into the profession of motion picture
acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish
faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and
maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar. To be
clear, the purchase of Mr. Gallo's sperm does not include the use of
the name Gallo. The purchaser must find another surname for the child.


What I am about to quote is my initial reaction upon reading it, so strong was that reaction I neglected to hide it in 1337 internet speak.
WHAT THE FUCK


Seriously, Vincent has made one movie that was really critically acclaimed and now
he is gods gift to the world? Who would actually pay one million dollars to be artificially inseminated by this fellow, and an extra five hundred thousand for "natural fertilization". Remember, prices waived if he thinks your hot ladies?

If the purchaser of the sperm chooses the option of natural
insemination, there is an additional charge of $500,000. However, if after being presented detailed photographs of the purchaser, Mr. Gallo may be willing to waive the natural insemination fee and charge only for the sperm itself


Don't forget, ladies of colour need not apply:

Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to
those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris,
Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to
be part of that type of integration.


German National Socialist Party affiliates, now's your chance:

In fact, for the next 30 days, he is offering a $50,000 discount
to any potential female purchaser who can prove she has naturally
blonde hair and blue eyes. Anyone who can prove a direct family link to
any of the German soldiers of the mid-century will also receive this
discount.


Or incongruously, Jews, oh wait, that's right, the conspiracy theorists...
Under the laws of the Jewish faith, a Jewish mother would
qualify a baby to be deemed a member of the Jewish religion. This would
be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his
reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the
profession of motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this
connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better
chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film
Festival or an Oscar.


Am I making a point, the man is selling his sperm to produce for you a large *insert penis euphemism here* boy, or equally benefited girl:

If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the potential size of
the genitals if it's a boy. (8 inches if he's like his father.) I don't
know exactly how a well hung father can enhance the physical makeup of
a female baby, but it can't hurt.


All for the low low price of one million dollars (*Dr Evil Pinky for those following along so far*) or for a little bit more he will do you himself. From this his immense talent will gift your progeny:
Those of you who have found this merchandise page are very well
aware of Mr. Gallo's multiple talents, but to add further insight into
the value of Mr. Gallo's sperm, aside from being multi talented in all
creative fields, he was also multi talented as an athlete, winning
several awards for performing in the games of baseball, football and
hockey and making it to the professional level of grand prix motorcycle
racing.


Like I'm not twisting his words, at least not intentionally, this guy is studding himself out for some dough, and doesn't mind a little prostitution on the side? I can only imagine that he is (no pun intended originally) hard up for money. Or so full of himself that he thinks that a) this is a bargain, and b) he is doing you a favour. Remember, Vincent junior isn't permitted to trade on daddy's name;
To be clear, the purchase of Mr. Gallo's sperm does not include
the use of the name Gallo. The purchaser must find another surname for
the

he has got to make it on his own, which judging by daddy's filmography might be
a better way to go.

Anyways, I think that is enough Vincent slagging for now, but be sure to check back latter for more, this guy writes his own bad press at every turn.
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