Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Fashion to die for?

What I am about to say is neither ground break, nor particularly interesting, I just felt like saying it.

Fashion... I have never been fashionable, just ask my mom, she can tell you of the times I wore my clothes shirts inside out, and my pants backwards to school. In fact the pants may have been both inside out and backwards, it doesn't matter which, it just goes to show that I have very little awareness of my outward appearance. That isn't to say I am unhygienic, or intentionally dressed poorly, its just means I tend to grab the first thing out of my wardrobe in the morning, and in some respect rely on my wife to emulate barfing noises and to usher me back into the closet to change. This is just one of the many reason I love and respect her, otherwise I would probably end up at work distinctly less professional looking then the narrow margin of professionalism I eke out now.
Now there was a brief period in history where I was hip, this was the grunge era in the 90's, but I can honestly say that I was merely 'posing.' Regrettably my pretensions to peer acceptance outlasted my rational thought, and I have the ear pierce scars to prove it!
Without further dwelling in my sorted fashion past, I hope I have established my credentials as a fashion outsider. That being said, I really hope I have matured to the point where I can recognize good fashion trends and bad ones, and identify the truly ridiculous from quirky conventions.
That brings me to what I wanted to talk about, and that is fashion of the day, and specifically TODAY, which happens to be the first cold weather warning of the year. I would argue that no one is foolish enough to jump off a bridge if there friends all jumped off, or say adapt a fashion trend that said "being as thin as an emaciated starving child." Time, and time again reality has proven that argument to be wrong. Also, reality would invalidate my argument that no one would be crazy enough to expose flesh unnecessarily to blisteringly chill winds. One might have guess by now that this drivel has in fact been inspired by one such occurrence of foolish fashion, so I shall now rant briefly about one specific fashion plague that is regrettably visited upon our youth.

-- Aside, my own linguistic twisting has invoked imagery of a biblical Poses of our time who came to the fashion pharos beseeching the freedom of his enslaved people at fashion factories, and promised a blight of fashion plagues to descend upon the hipsters until his people were freed, but I digress...--

The plague with which I speak is a pant plague, and it is not the plague of the descending waistline, which can be alluring or hoochey , or in the case of guys stupid, that's a rant for another day. I speak of "The rolling of the one leg up to the knee." I'm sorry that is just flipping idiotic, here you are a perfectly symmetrical pair of pants, even and well tailored (probably a fallacious assumption) and you got them all bunched up on one side. Sure in the fall you do that and you just look like an idiot, but come winter, strutting about in ankle deep snow, one lag brazenly exposed to the world. It's not like you made a poor choice of clothes when you left the house that morning, your pants are not irrevocably rolled. So here you are wading through snow, gust of wind clearly chilling you, and your legs a dimple with goose bumps, and yet fashion dictates you preen about like a peacock. If one is to believe social scientist, this fashion behaviour is all some complicated mating ritual, and mating rituals are there to show your superiority over others in the gene pool to your prospective mates. So here is my impassioned plea to women of the next generation, please weed these fools from world, the less one pant legged freaks the better. To not beget there scion, and actively reject their advances. Fashion and Mother Nature will take there course, the wise will adapt to the new trends, the weak will go pant-legless into celibate solitude, and the world will be a better place.

In writing this, I know my plea will fall on deaf ears for a number of reasons, the first and foremost is my lack of readership, I reconcile that with knowing that as our world descends into pant-legless madness, eventually resulting in a second hominid species to rise up and assert dominance, and Charleston Hesston cursing our ill decisions, our new overlords will look back on the historic record and upon my behalf proclaim my assertions were correct, which is as close to an "I told you so" my long deceased body will be allowed. The second reason is that I any readers in the offending demographic who read this will dismiss me out of hand as an "old fuddy duddy" which at my seasoned age of 25 is probably accurate enough from their point of view. The third and least obvious reason is that I am "the man." I am not literally thee man, but I am a part of the machine affectionately known as the man. I am closer to being the man then most, as I work for the largest financial institution in Canada, and financial institutions of Canada being the largest Institutions of Canada beyond the government, and intuitions in general being the essence of "the man." How does being "the man" invalidate my opinion? Simply most aspects of fashion especially in the youth are just rebellious attempts to assert ones self identity from "the man" by doing exactly what "the man" says you shouldn't (No supporting evidence provided, "the man" won't let me.)

To sooth my ego until my prognostications are revered by our simian overlords, I will laugh, mock, and irritate those offenders which I should encounter, or my young brother by proxy. Here that Alex, your friends dress like ninnies! Ha!

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