Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Lokitron 2000 Purbott Sleep Optimization System

Getting too much sleep? Not enough fur in your bed? The absence of low frequency grunty vibrations getting you down? Fear not, for every problem there is a solution, and for this problem we offer you the latest in the Catbott(tm) series of robots. Each Lokitron is equipped with an accurate chronograph, and sleep heuristic to determine the optimal amount of sleep that you require. The Lokitron is also equipped with a soothing purr based progressive alarm system. Wake up is initiated with a low rumbling, followed by some vocalizations:
"Its Fourrrrrrrr am, play rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr"
Vocalizations escalate if until the Lokitron is satisfied by your state of alertness.
"Plaaaaaaayyyyy, rrrrrrr, PLAAAAYYYYYYYY rrrrrrrrrr"
The tertiary alarm system involves a soothing klaxon to alert deeper sleepers of there impending over sleep.
"MEOOOOOOOW, MEEEOOOOOOWWWW, MEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW"

The final phase of the alarm system is a therapeutic acupuncture system, through skill manipulations certified by the AAMA you are gently brought to an awake and refreshed state.

As an added feature, unlike conventional alarms that allow overriding, the Lokitron assures an awakened state with the absence of a snooze button. While escalation to the highest states of alarm can be staved off with a leather toy mouse, all other attempts to silence the device are met with a renewed vigor, and alarm escalation.

If you doubt the efficacy of our product, don't believe us, believe our satisfied customers:
I'm TIRED!
- Erin Westman
Looooooookkkkkkiiiiiiiii, beeeee quiet, its not even light out.
-Geoff Peart
uuunnnnnngggggggggg, cooooofffffffeeeeeeeeee.
-Aslan Westman
Unnnnnnnngggggggggg, BRRAAAAIIINNNNS.
-Office Zombie Ted

For more information regarding the fine product, and many more contact ACME Inc.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...
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Kathi said...

that's what you get for sleeping with cats!

mom

Geoffrey said...

I do not sleep with cats, nor do I live with cats. They permit me to occupy there house, and their bed, feed and groom them, and generally tend to them, when they feel like it. I really have no say in the matter.

Jennith Peart said...

Still not adjusted to daylights savings time yet, huh... you should consider adding that feature in future models. I wonder if you tinkered with feeding and grooming and exersize imputs, you could alter the timing of the device for a slightly later instance...

Alternatively in light of your last comment - I think you might want to bring up the serious issue of home invasion by cats to your local federal rep (Garth Tuna) in hopes of procuring government support of an unyeildy program to alleviate the problem. Although, I see that menu foods has imported an age old Chinese solution which is proving effective provided that you are willing ot buy their products.

:D

I should read boring papers.

Geoffrey said...

Such ill spoken of the Lokitron, while I consider letting Garth Tuna suffer the wrath of the Lokitron, I will not be feeding him poison. As for the exersize input, he's been getting a before bed workout every night for the last couple nights.